Be Not Afraid
by too many stars to count
Summary: In the end, it's desperation that brings them together. H/A. Background mentions of Miriam's alcoholism.


**A/N:** Something like this has been bumping around in my head for ages and I finally got it down on paper. I'd love it if you could take a moment to review. Thanks for reading and enjoy! The title is taken from Shakespeare's _Twelfth Night_.

Be Not Afraid

In the end, it's desperation that brings them together.

They're 17 and, if they are honest with themselves, they're scared out of their minds. They are careful to try never to be honest with themselves.

o0o

Arnold's grandmother breaks her hip hunting in the attic. He quickly becomes the boarding house's new cook as grandpa tries to keep the rest of the place running on his own. Arnold also takes care of his grandmother during the long months she is in bed – a task made more difficult by her failing memory. More than once Arnold is forced to remind her of what exactly has happened.

School work becomes an afterthought as he takes on more and more responsibility around the boarding house. The boarders help when they can but they all have jobs or families and only so much time to spare. Arnold is sick with worry and exhaustion. That doesn't stop him from telling grandpa he's fine and smiling reassuringly when classmates ask about his grandmother and Sunset Arms.

It can't last forever, he knows that, but he doesn't see another choice.

o0o

Big Bob has successfully moved from selling beepers to cell phones while still managing to keep his beeper contract with the hospital. _Big Bob's Beeper and Cellphone Emporium_ is the hottest place in town to get a new phone. Consequently sales are up and Bob hasn't been so happy since he'd decided Olga may as well be the Second Coming.

This should be the best thing to ever happen to Helga.

It's not. Her fights with Bob get more and more vicious as the weeks go by – success has done nothing for his attitude, especially towards her, and it drives Helga nuts. Meanwhile it becomes obvious after after a few weeks that Miriam has actually been holding back on the "smoothies" all this time. With Bob at work well past dark most nights, Miriam has no one to wait up for and no reason to hold off on her drinks.

Helga comes home from school for two full weeks to find Miriam passed out in different parts of the house. Halfway through the third week she starts hiding bottles. It won't stop her but it might slow her down a bit.

She flees to Phoebe's as often as possible and even considers trying out for the school play to escape her house.

The only good thing that comes of it all is her writing. She's spent most of her life furious and it always does wonders for her creativity. Helga even branches into short stories – Victorian girls who defy rigid societal standards, warrior women are were beautiful and deadly, wild girls living in forests and relishing the solitude. There's even one about a horse, born in the stable but desperate for open fields and galloping as far as he pleases.

Arnold is not gone from her writing, not by a long shot. He appears in the men who do not fear her characters; the lost traveler, and the kind hunter who sleeps in trees.

Her writing comes faster than ever before and she wonders more than once if happiness would drain her creativity. Some nights, when Bob is still at the store despite the late hour and Miriam is stumbling around the kitchen, she thinks it a trade she'd be willing to make.

o0o

Arnold begins to find an odd comfort in Helga's insults. She knows what happened, the entire grade seems to, and even went so far as to ask how grandma was recovering. The teasing however does not change and he's thankful if only for the familiarity it carries.

Eventually, as he becomes more and more worn by the demands of the boarding house and taking care of his grandmother, Arnold begins to answer Helga's teasing. She seems delighted and soon it becomes a sort of game between them. Throughout the day, in hallways and at lunch, when teacher's backs are turned, Helga gives him her best insult. With small smiles and mischievous looks Arnold shoots off his best comeback.

They are forever trying to out do each other. One week them even agree on nothing but Shakespearean insults which proves amazing and they both agree it was worth all the time they spent looking _up _those insults. In the end it's a desperately needed distraction for both of them.

o0o

Surprisingly, it's Helga who starts dating someone first.

She hasn't given up on Arnold, but Wolfgang likes her and tells her she's pretty. Helga is lonely and scared and she hopes Wolfgang's arms around her waist and his lips against her's will help.

It doesn't though. Somehow she feels even lonelier kissing Wolfgang than she did when she was actually alone. Not even two months into it she realizes how hopeless their relationship is and breaks things off.

Arnold, on the other hand, asks no one to be his girlfriend. Girls ask him out, nice girls, kind girls, but he never likes them the same way and therefore never goes on more than two dates with any of them. He kisses a few girls, chaste good-bye kisses at front doors and on well lit porches. They don't make him feel anything and he starts to regard the whole affair of dating with disinterest.

He doesn't like it when Helga and Wolfgang start dating, though. It's not something he can put his finger on either. Wolfgang is kind to Helga and seems to genuinely care about her.

Then, one day in the lunch line, it hits him. He catches sight of them together at a lunch table. Helga's listening to Wolfgang's story but she doesn't seem interested and gives a half-hearted laugh when he finishes. She seems distant until she catches Arnold's eye. Then Helga grins and hold up her math book questioningly. Arnold nods, he'll do homework with her during study hall, and feels more cheerful suddenly.

He doesn't ask himself why it is he's so happy when they break up three weeks later.

o0o

Their stories come out in bits and pieces at first. A complaint here, a bit of news there. They learned the lessons of secrecy early and well. It takes time to break them.

Finally, Arnold mentions not wanting to worry Gerald – he and Phoebe may be attached at the hip now but they've been best friends since Urban Tots – and the whole thing comes stumbling out. He'd been walking Helga home but somehow they end up at the pier instead.

It's as if the flood gates have been opened. The lives comes pouring out, overlapping without interrupting, and they couldn't have stopped it if the wanted to.

When they finally do finish, nothing important or special is said. There are no great

declarations. But things change.

Helga shows up one Saturday morning announcing that she's there to clean. Arnold sputters as she bans all the boarders from the kitchen and dining room. When Mr. Kakoshka complains she gives him the vacuum and tells him to start with the living room. Amazingly, he listens.

"Helga, you don't have to do this I – " She cuts him off.

"Shouldn't you be upstairs with your grandma? Isn't this her physical therapy day? They can fend for themselves for lunch and I've got dinner covered." He stares at her. "_Go_, football head." She says with a sweeping arm motion. "I'll bring both of you something for lunch."

In turn, Arnold starts inviting Helga over after school, keeping her out of her house. As first he makes up a hundred excuses – studying, movies, video games, math/english/history/whatever homework. Then, without either of them really noticing, it just becomes routine.

Thursdays are quickly delegated to their respective best friends and Friday nights find the four of them together more often than not. The rest of the time though they spend at Sunset Arms, together.

Helga starts coming over after bad fights with Bob, or when Miriam is on a real bender. In turn, Arnold takes her onto the fire escape. He shows her the sunlight and how to jiggle the lock on his window if she ever needs to get in and he's not there, or sleeping. His small secrets of the boarding house become her's as well.

Soon, they are the most stable thing in one anothers lives.

o0o

When it finally happens it is not beautiful, or romantic.

It's two in the morning when Arnold hears his window rattling. He is wide awake; summer vacation just started and Arnold has been busy fixing things around the boarding house and taking are of grandma. Tonight, grandma had been confused and it had taken him a while to convince her they weren't on safari and that it was safe to go to bed. She had finally gotten into bed affectionately calling him Kimba and Arnold had felt like crying.

The window opens letting in a burst of warm air. "Helga?" It's her, of course it's her no one else knows how to open the window from the outside, but she's never come by so late. Regardless, she doesn't answer him, instead dropping neatly onto the bed below.

As Arnold get's closer he realizes she's crying. "Helga, what's wrong?" He has seen Helga furious, and sad, and worried, and scared, but Arnold has never seen her cry. She shakes her head and waves a hand at him clearly furious with herself over the tears.

"Big Bob's being an asshole again." Helga spits out wiping at her cheeks. Arnold hands her a tissue and sits down on the bed with her. "Miriam's getting completely out of control and he won't do _anything_." She clenches her jaw looking murderous.

"Never mind that we actually _have_ the money to get her into a good rehab. He thinks it would 'look bad on the family' and God forbid the public realizes how _fucked up_ we are. How does he think it's going to look when she gets arrested for drunk driving or dies of alcohol poisoning?"

"Your mom got her license back?" Arnold says with a gentle smile. Mrs. Pataki hasn't had her license since they were seven and it's become a running joke between them.

"Screw you, football head." Helga says half-heartedly. "I tried hiding the bottles, I even poured them down the drain! But that moron just keeps buying her more! It's like he doesn't care. And every time I say something to him he just gives me this load of shit about her being an adult and knowing what's best for herself." She snorts decisively. "And Miriam's never sober enough for me to talk to her about it." She looks at his clothes and raises an eyebrow; he's still in the shorts and t-shirt he'd worn all day.

"So what are you still doing up?"

"I was with grandma."

"Bad night all around, I'm guessing?" Helga looks sympathetic.

"She thought we were on safari." This shouldn't make him so emotional, his grandmother has been like this his entire life, but it does. "I had to convince her that it was safe to go to sleep. She thought there were lions. I told her we'd set up a barrier to keep them out, I didn't know what else to do. She's barely out of bed I don't her stumbling through the house in the middle of the night looking for lions. I told grandpa I'd handle it, he needs his sleep.

"This is so fucked up." Helga says with a scowl. "Why the hell is this shit happening to us? We're not bad people! Well," she amends with a glance in his direction, "You're not. And I'm not exactly kicking puppies over here or anything."

Arnold tries to come up with something optimistic to say. "I've got nothing." He says after a minute, shrugging helplessly. "Everything about this sucks." Arnold tries to swallow back tears.

"She's going to kill herself if she doesn't stop." Helga says quietly trying to blink away tears of her own. "It's not like she's mother of the fucking year or something, but she's still my mom."

He can feel it in the room. They are both overwhelmed with emotions and something in that quiet room is about to break.

Even so, Arnold surprises himself when he kisses her.

It is not slow and gentle. It is a crazed frenzy, fueled by hurt, and worry, and fear.

They're teeth bump and their tongues touch and it's as if they're having an argument through their kiss. When Arnold touches her face with trembling hands he finds that both of them are crying.

o0o

Of all the times Helga pictured her first kiss with Arnold she never thought she would be sobbing.

They are miserable teenagers and Helga knows this isn't love or even lust. _This_ is desperation, _this _is survival. This is their need for human connection taken to now and astounding levels. She does not care.

She is kissing Arnold out of the all consuming need to stop thinking about her family as much as she is doing it because she loves him. Helga cannot stand another second of thinking about her mother's drinking right now, so she pulls Arnold closer. She tries to lose herself in his mouth, his arms, his hair, anything. Instead Helga can't force her mind away from her family and she cries ever harder still kissing him.

After a few desperate minutes of kissing they are both sobbing and lay exhausted and hurting. Helga is struck by how completely completely helpless she feels and suddenly it seems like she can't breathe. Arnold is on his side next to her looking lost and her heart feels like it is over flowing with compassion for him.

Hesitantly, he reaches a hand towards her and before she completely understands how it's happening they're kissing again. Arnold rolls on top of her and Helga grabs his hips. She focuses everything she can on him and only him. Anything else is too overwhelming to bear.

He touches the hem of her tank top and Helga takes it off and immediately starts pulling at his shirt. Arnold, now shirtless, looks dumbfounded and Helga gives a very watery laugh. She puts his hands on her bra, trying not to laugh at the look of Arnold's face, and grabs his hips even tighter as he explores.

Soon, Helga becomes dimly aware that they are reaching the point of no return. Soon, it will feel so good she won't care about how things will feel tomorrow. Arnold is kissing his way down to her breast and it takes all her remaining self control to say, "Stop." Very quietly.

Instantly Arnold freezes. He sits up looking horrified. "Helga, I'm so sorry, I don't – " He falls silent as Helga shakes her head.

"No, I want – you're so – but – Miriam and Bob – I can't – right now." She's pretty sure she has never made less sense in her entire life than at this moment. Arnold nods his head though with a look of total understanding, and just like that, she's crying again.

She feels ridiculous, Helga G. Pataki does _not_ succumb to random crying fits. But when Arnold wraps his arms around her he too is crying. Not big body wracking sobs like hers but much softer and quieter. She wraps her arms around him and they cry and comfort one another. At the end of it are little more than terrified kids, but they have each other.

"What do we do?" Helga asks when they finally stop crying. Somehow her head has ended up pillowed on his chest and she couldn't move if she wanted to.

"Stick together." Arnold says pulling her closer. "When I get too overwhelmed by the boarding house and when your parents are especially ridiculous, we have each other. Soon, we'll be seniors and you'll only be a year away from getting out of Hillwood and away from your family."

"What about you?" Helga demands _knowing_ that Arnold wants to study anthropology. "Are you going to spend the rest of your life taking care of the boarding house?"

Arnold is silent."

"You need to talk to grandpa." Helga says quietly. "You can't do this alone, and as much as I love ordering the boarders around, I can't always be here."

"I don't want to worry him." Arnold tells her, face turned away into the darkness.

"Yeah, well, he doesn't want you driving yourself crazy." She tells him stubbornly. "Talk to him." She urges, softer.

"Okay," Arnold agrees. "I'll talk to him tomorrow." They lie quietly for a while, half dozing. "Helga?"

"Yeah, football head?" Helga says sleepily.

"Are we going out?" His fingers tighten ever so slightly on her arm.

She laughs. "Duh. You think I take my shirt off for anyone?" He laughs and kisses the top of Helga's head.

In the end, desperation is what brings them together, but hope is what keeps them from falling apart.


End file.
